just do what makes you happy and try not to hurt other while doing it. this is how i plan on living my life from here on out.
I wanted to go on this vacation to think.
To step away from my life and take a look at it from afar.
I am still just as clueless.
All I know is that I am heartbroken and in love all at the same time.
An experience that I have never been through before.
Time is the only thing that can fix me.
The question now is…
Who goes through three cars within a time period of one year?
Oh, yeah, Lucifer.
The first one was an old Volvo from the 80′s. It was tank… I don’t remember too much about this car other than it was really hot. There was no AC, the black leather seats did not help any. None of that mattered.
It was summer and we had a car. To this day, on the first warm days of the season, all I can think about is listening to ‘Choking Victim’ while aimlessly driving around with my friends, smoking, laughing, living.
I remember the sun roof stopped working in that car and we would often get rained on. The rain drops would drip onto our laps as we would continue to just drive around. We didn’t car. we had the freedom of a car.
That did not last for too long though. Shortly after he has received that Volvo, it blew up, or something. This time it was not anyone’s fault.
What happened to the other cars though. That is another story.
The next car was a red station wagon. They beat the crap out of this car. Aside from the destruction of this car I don’t really remember how long he had it, or what we did while he had it, so it really couldn’t have been that long of a time period.
What I do remember though, is that one night, or day, or something, the boys were really stoned and burned a huge picture in the fabric on the inside roof of this car.
It was a bomb, which happened to be their band’s logo. Soon after other things got burned into that car. Names, crude words, symbols, you get the idea. Charred seats from dropped cigarettes, water damage from spilled drinks, garbage from fast food, dutch guts, ash, actually this car was just as disgusting.
The end of this little red wagon is as follows. Lucifer’s neighbor started chatting with him on a regular basis. After a few weeks of getting to know one and other the neighbor, let’s call him, V, asked Lucifer if he could borrow his car. If Lucifer agreed, V, would reward him with a large amount of marijuana. There was nothing Lucifer loved more than smoking weed for free so he immediately agreed to lend out his car, to his shady neighbor V, whom he barely knew.
We waited for hours for V’s return. Soon Lucifer’s mom would come home and wonder where the car was, so, to avoid that, we just left and went to another house.
The memories of where we actually went and what we did there are kind of foggy but i do recall walking to Wawa and bumping into Lucifer’s cousin. She wanted to know if I had seen Lucifer because the police and his mother were looking for him. Soon enough the cops showed up and he had to go with them to answer a few questions.
As it turns out, V, used the red wagon for a robbery and the police found the car in an abandoned parking lot with no tires, smashed windows, and vulgar symbols burned into it. I am unsure to this day if the police ever found out that his friends were the ones behind the burns.
My favorite part about this story has to be the fact that just a few days later, Lucifer got a another new car.
CAR NUMBER THREE.
Have you ever watched “Full House?” maybe I am dating myself but it is a show we all grew up on. Anyway, Lucifer’s next car looked just like the Danny Tanner’s car from that television show. He didn’t beat the crap out of this car like the first two. This was the last car of Lucifer’s that I ever sat in though. Mainly because I was the reason that this car was destroyed, no, I did not personally destroy his car, in case that is what you were thinking.
Someone tracked dog poop in his car. Did he clean it no. So, when he picked me up from wherever I was I had to sit in the back next to the dog poop, being that someone else was in the front already. I stayed as far away from that side of the car as I could. Just as we arrived back to Lucifer’s house he yells “I’m going to make Maegan fall in dog shit!” and takes the next turn as sharply as he could. I hold on to the handle above the door that is there for this reason and then the tires slam right into the curb. He had misjudged the turn and his tires ate the curb. He tried to blame me but I was at the point where I was no longer tolerating his crap, plus, there was a witness with us.
That car needed a new axle. I think he eventually got it fixed, I am not too sure though. Who knows. he might have just got a new one.
There is so much in my brain right now. Everything is getting blurry. I am at a standstill in time and yet everything seems to be whirling around. i just need some time and someone to hold my hand.
Time cures all, right?
I know I will be okay, I know everything will be okay. That is just how it is and what I know. I am not that old but I know how life works, I have seen a lot and I have been through less, but I still know.
Knowing what I know still doesn’t help how I feel at the moment. I know with time everything will be okay. I just need to stay strong.
Someone told me that going back to the east brunswick store was probably going to be one of the best things that ever happened, if i gave it time, that is will be good for me to be there.
Girls who were strangers to me just a few weeks ago we not only comforting me while I has upset, but cried with me. I know the same would have happened in my old store but this is the thing.
The world is still full of some good eggs.
They are out there.
I will always be one of them.
And if anyone is willing to let me go from their lives.
That is on them. Their loss.
I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for.
So much more.
I will be reading books in alphabetical order and write briefly about them. Titles are subject to change. I am just giving myself some ideas. I also plan on doing this for at least two cycles for the next three hundred and some odd days.
- A An Abundance Of Katherines, American Psycho, American Gods, Anansi Boys, The Amulet of Samarkand,
- B Brave Story, Battle Royal, The Book Of Heroes,
- C Cloud Atlus, Coraline, Children of The Mind (ender’s game)
- D A Dammed, Dance With Dragons, Discovery of Witches,
- E Ender’s Game, Emma,
- F Feast For Crows, The Fault In Our Stars,
- G Gone Girl, The Girl (with the dragon tattoo series) Good Omens, The Graveyard Book, The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth, Great Gatsby,
- H Hamlet, How We Are Hungry
- I The Interestings, ICO,
- J John Dies At The End,
- K To Kill A Mocking Bird, King Leer, It’s Kind of a Funny Story
- L Looking for Alaska, Lolita, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, Looking Glass War,
- M Memoirs Of A Geisha,
- N Nick And Norah, The Night Circus, Neverwhere,
- O On The Road,
- P Player Piano, The Princesses Bride,
- S Speaker For The Dead (ender’s game) Stardust, Smoke and Mirrors, Small Gods, Seeing Red,
- W Wonder, Wetlands, Why We Broke Up,
- X Xenocide (ender’s game)
- Z World War Z,
I have never really fit in anywhere, ever. Something in some way, shape or form always keeps me disconnected from society. There are a few people who accept for what I am and I them.
Sometimes though, I find myself with a group of people who were all in the right place at the right time. At that moment in time I am known to be unstoppable.
I have yet to learn how to acquire this feeling alone. Without an army by my side, but I am trying.
Every so often, I yearn for those days and nights where I actually felt my self worth.
Those nights, as a kid, where I would be up all night just talking on the phone with my two best friends a the time. Where there were no complexities in life just yet. Where my biggest problem was waking up to go to school every single day. What we talked about, I have no idea. I do know that we were all a little bit weird and belonged together.
Growing up a bit more we learned about some of the hardships of life, I, found like minded people who would chase away such problems with alcohol and such. during that time I encountered another person, who was not only as weird as I was, but just as crazy. Our story goes into great detail, and I will add individual stories when the time comes, but with this girl by my side, I felt unstoppable, and I was. I still am, I just get a little lost sometimes.
Not too long after that I found this place, where all the misfits went. The ones who couldn’t stand to be home and had nowhere else to go. We were all losers, with hardly any friends or any desire to sleep. We had no hobbies in common, but I have grown used to that, and it didn’t matter. We were all different people, from different backgrounds, different upbringings, and so much more. There was a lot of drama, tears, and love, though this group doesn’t really exist anymore, I would give anything to be able to enjoy a night outside during the summer, waiting for the sun to come up while pouring out our hearts to each other.
I want to watch the sun come up and talk about dreams, and fears, past stores that still haunt our minds, religion, society and everything in between, or even have the option to sit in silence and have it not be awkward.
I wonder if this is just how life is.
…get chewed a new one for this post.
I am a firm believer in the whole “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” saying. What I have to say right now is nice for one person and, well, screw it, I am being considerate of a person who I mean nothing to.
“I felt that growing up, one of your biggest fears what that I wouldn’t/ didn’t have a father figure to look up to. Someone to teach me how to ride a bike, how to love a family, how to treat a lady and other typical father like roles.
Because of you, I know how a man is supposed to treat a little girl, I know what I am worthy of now, and how, though I am grown, should still be treated by men.
I know that not all little girls are lucky enough to have someone love them like I was loved. I had my own person go to person when I was young who could fix anything.
I have a lot more lessons to learn and I wish you could be there for me while I learn them, because I know you would have advice that is more wise than I could even imagine.
But you know what? I am a pretty lucky girl to have had you in my life for the time that I did.
Some little girls aren’t that lucky.”
As anyone who knows me or reads this might have gathered, I have been through some shit in the short life that I have lived thus far. I have recently realized that I have the ability so sort out the people worth my time versus those who are not.
I am a grown ass adult (yes i have the heart of a child but that doesn’t mean that I have time for people who act like children in high school) I don’t have time for people who manipulate others, talk about people behind their backs, do not include certain people into outings just because they like to see drama, or any other childish crap like that.
You may talk crap about me because you view me as childish because I like to play video games and joke around. Yes, i will laugh and poop jokes and other dumb stuff. I also know that there is a time and place and for all of that and I can control myself.
Let’s be real for a second, you, talk crap about me, behind my back, for doing what I enjoy?Got it.
Anyway, after years of surrounding myself with terrible people, or people who are nice to me but are mean and disrespectful towards others, my friends, and relationships, I know how to filter out the bad eggs.
I am not a perfect person, not at all, but I am am a very kind girl who would never hurt anyone intentionally (unless they hurt my, my friends, or family but that is a story for another day and also further explains my lack of perfection) and I know I am deserving of surrounding myself with good people.
Sometimes I lose touch with people, and it is no one’s fault. Life happens, but if you have done any of the following that I am about to list, it is no coincidence, I voluntarily stopped hanging around with you.
Things People Do To Make Me No Longer Associate With Them
- Talk about me while I am not there and say nothing about it to my face
- Talk poorly about my friends to me
- Make rude comments about others who walk by who have done nothing to you
- Manipulated me, or my loved ones
- Lie about dumb stuff that doesn’t even need to be lied about.
- Lie about big things when people should know the truth
- Spread lies about me, or my loved ones.
- Lead me on
- Purposely try to ruin friendships/relationships or come between others
I will add more later on.
Also. I know people make mistakes, this list is when people pull these things repetitively, making it very clear that they are not with my time.
I am a firm believer in second chances, but fifth and sixth chances? No.
I am truly lucky to have some amazing people in my life.
with everything in my life up in the air and having no stability, i am finding stability in my happiness and still having fun even though times are dark.
the things i were sure were going to last forever, well i was just slapped in the face.
i just keep repeating and rearranging the words in my head over and over, hoping that I can figure out what is going to happen.
but i guess none of us can really ever know.
this is me telling myself.
i might have gotten a bit lost along the way, but i am going to treat those who are of importance to me like gold. sometimes i screw up. i take things out on people who don’t deserve them . sometimes i take advantage of people always being there for me.
well if you treat them like crap they aren’t.
i guess i am lucky enough to be given a second chance.