I am unsure of where to start, so please excuse the jumble or words that may not fit correctly on a standard timeline. If they can do it in Zelda…
So, many people have been commending me on how well I am dealing with my recent breakup. I was truly upset for the first week, but after that I didn’t look back. I don’t want to come off as some heartless bitch, because as anyone who knows me could tell you, I have a big heart.
The truth is, I emotionally checked out of that relationship last May. I have had time to heal since then. I never have and never will stopped caring about my ex, but everything after that was out of habit, mostly.
Why stay in a relationship? Well, I really thought that I was supposed to fight. That love was more or less a concept than an actual feeling of bliss that you felt. That really may or may not be true, I don’t know, I still have a lot of learning and life ahead of me to try and figure that one out.
The trust that was broken and the hurt that I felt at the time was very real. I thought that I could work things out, get over it, and go back to how things used to be.Sadly, there was no going back. This was a very hard time for me. I cried ever single day for months, while trying to pretend everything was okay. All I wanted to do was talk to my mom about everything, I knew that she would have the answers, but I couldn’t. I knew what she would say, I knew she would hate him, and if we worked things out, I didn’t want there to be any animosity. Let’s just put it this way, from here on out, I will always turn to my mother.
It eventually got to the point where pretending everyday became another bad habit of mine. I take pride in the fact that I don’t lie, and here I was, living in my own lie. I think that is the hardest part for me. The realization of the lie I began to live. I clearly was not getting over what happened, but I continued anyway. I was seriously starting to act crazy. I wasn’t Maegan anymore and this woman that I turned into was a mess, and I hated her.
I became insanely insecure, depressed, jealous, and many other things. I was acting out of character. Who was this person? I stopped contact with my friends. I missed them, but I knew what they would say. They didn’t like seeing me like that just as much as I didn’t like feeling that way. I left a job that I really liked because I was unable to function. It was a bad time for me. I didn’t recognize the person I was, and that is a scary thing. I just knew that I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
My mom would tease me about living the life of an old lady, not going out, hiding in my room watching my stories. That was really her way of telling me that she knew something was wrong, and she was there for me when I was ready to talk.
I soon after found a really good deal on an apartment. I thought getting out of my house might help me. It has, not in the way that I thought it would, but the move was indeed a step in the right direction.
During the move and while getting settled I realized how alone I really felt. My mother, brother and cousins helped me move. It was made clear that he wasn’t excited about the move, he just kind of lived here. I kept pushing though. The excitement of getting my own place, moving forward, growing up, it kind of took away from the other emotions that I was trying hard to ignore.
Here is the plot twist.
One of my best friends, for about a decade or so, caught wind me moving and reached out to me. He knows me better than a lot of people. He was by my side for the whole entire relationship, every relationship i have ever been in, actually. I am going to keep what was said over the next few days between the two of us, but I will reveal some of it. Pretty much, he just wants me to be happy. He, knowing me like he does, knew that I wasn’t happy, so he was concerned, I guess. He told me some things , and later apologized for meddling in my relationship, he like me, has a good heart, and would never do that… some things you just have to get out there in the open though.
I guess that is why I am writing this little piece, after all.
I promptly call my best friend to tell her what happened. She, who was never my ex’s biggest fan, helped me make the decision that I had to cut ties with my friend. That I can’t do this song and dance with him, the one that we have been doing for the last ten years. The one where we both know that we are perfect for each other, with our imperfections and all. The one where we would be together in a second if he didn’t live so far away. She explained that this is my life, my reality, and I need to deal with it. It was time to cut ties.
I was heartbroken. I knew that this man was supposed to be in my life, and here I am about to toss him aside. My morals told me that it was the right thing to do, even though my feelings screamed something else. It turns out I really did not have the heart to cut ties with him completely, but I did distance myself from him, because you know, thousands of miles isn’t enough. I don’ t really remember what was said, but I do know that it closed with a “I’ll be sure to make it to your wedding.” Then it hit me. Those words meant more to me than you can understand right now. At the moment there are only two people who can understand what those words meant to me. Him being one of them.
Here is a little flashback.
Most girls plan their wedding. Not me. Don’t get me wrong, I have pictured my wedding in my head, a daydream, more or less, just no details. In every daydream that I had about my wedding day, they all end the same. When the guy marrying me off says “speak now or forever hold your peace” he would stand and speak up. What kind of girl has daydreams about her wedding being crashed?
Things continued to get worse, and that is when I knew that I needed to talk to my mom. What she said, it was so simple, but it spoke volumes to me. “Just because I dealt with it doesn’t mean you have to. You are too young to be this unhappy.” I guess everyone could see how unhappy I was.
The relationship was over. It was over for weeks before either of us spoke up about it. Emotional chicken was being played. Who was going to bring it up?
Both of us being so unhappy, it was time to go our separate ways. Both of us deserve to find happiness. Everyone does.
Am I afraid of being alone? No. I am never really alone. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people anyone could ever ask for. Friends, family, coworkers, they all support and love me.
I learned so much from this experience, and would not trade it in for anything. It was a stepping stone to get to where I need to be. I am thankful for that.
Slowly, but surely, all of my pieces are falling back into place. The woman in the reflection of the mirror is looking more familiar. My smiles are genuine.
“Even though something that most people would view as bad, just happened to you, I haven’t seen you this happy in a while. It’s good to have you back Maegs.”
If you don’t know me as the kind, compassionate, weird, lighthearted, goofy, smug, mischievous, witty, sarcastic, intelligent, woman, with too many emotions, well, you never really knew me at all.
It feels good to be back.
I want to go to here.
Originally posted on RocketNews24:
Shopping for anime merchandise isn’t always as easy as you’d think in Japan. While any toy store will be stocked with goodies from currently airing, elementary schooler-targeted TV series such as Pokémon or Precure, what if your tastes run towards more sophisticated fare, like the animated classics of Studio Ghibli?
If you’re looking for stuffed animals or accessories inspired by the films of legendary anime director Hayao Miyazaki and his cohorts, you can’t go wrong with a trip to Donguri Kyowakoku, a whole chain of stores that sells nothing but Ghibli items.
Originally posted on RocketNews24:
Gamers outside of Japan were not doubt disappointed to learn that past limited editions of Nintendo’s popular 3DS portable console were not for sale outside of the company’s homeland, and are likely still sad that they missed out on the Mint White and Pikachu Yellow models that Japanese gamers snapped up in the blink of an eye. But we’re happy to report that for once it’s Japanese gamers who will be turning as green with envy as this Yoshi-emblazoned 3DS XL, as it is heading to North America and Europe only this month alongside the colourful new platformer Yoshi’s New Island.
Last night I had this dream…
I was at my grandparents house for a dinner party. Only, the house was full of my ex-boyfriend’s coworkers. I guess, being the machochist that I am, I needed to pry into why he broke up with me. It turns out he broke up with me to have a threesome. Which in reality I get how some people would be into that. You have to explore yourself before you settle down, no regrets. ANYWAY, a threesome is something I am not interested in, at all, but for whatever reason in my dream I was pretty much throwing myself at my ex, saying how we could have a threesome. I even asked his friend and girlfriend if they’d be interested. They said sure, but my ex wasn’t interested in being with another man. I remember trying to tell him that they didn’t have to do anything together, just trying to convince him to stay with my by luring this over him.
The real question is. why would I compromise myself, my beliefs, my feelings, for someone who would never do the same for me?
I’m ready to tell my story now. When reading please remember that every story has two sides. I can only speak for myself. I’ll try my best to be nice, but in reality, life, people, everything, isn’t always nice.
Just a warning.
I have stopped doing anything involving this site. It is actually kind of sad. It is usually always bad news when I come back, sadly, this time is not any different. I have been down this road before and I though that I had put it behind me. The hard part about knowing someone better than you know yourself is that you know what they are thinking and feeling when they don’t even say anything.
I wish I didn’t.
I wish I didn’t know how other people felt. Ignorance is bliss.
just do what makes you happy and try not to hurt other while doing it. this is how i plan on living my life from here on out.
I wanted to go on this vacation to think.
To step away from my life and take a look at it from afar.
I am still just as clueless.
All I know is that I am heartbroken and in love all at the same time.
An experience that I have never been through before.
Time is the only thing that can fix me.
The question now is…