I failed so hard today. All I can do is try better tomorrow.
No matter how much I try to prepare myself for this… it turns out I’m never strong enough. Seasonal depression always gets the best of me. That numb feeling is taking over and I’m too apathetic to do anything about it.
At least I’ll write more.
The fact that I have not written anything in months and this little blog of mine is still getting views blows my mind.
I guess that means I should pull some words out of my butt.
I think that the reason for my writing hiatus is the same as always.
I am content.
It is always easier to write when I am upset or angry for some reason. I always went with that theme anyway. It is weird to try and write about my happiness.
How can I make that satirical and fun to read?
I could write about how disgustingly in love I am.
How I am having a fantastic summer with my friends and family.
Work related horrors, which I have grown so accustom to, that the weird occurrences don’t even phase me any longer.
But who wants to read that? I know that I wouldn’t.
Okay, so maybe the work related posts will still pop up from time to time.
So, I guess that I will just have to write about topics other than, myself and my life. Gasp! What is a self absorbed person such as myself to do?
It looks as though it is time for me to write about my opinion of different things.
This will be a change.
At least it will keep my busy.
Now the hard part.
Where do I begin?
I can’t really describe my mood at the moment. I wish I had as much energy as I do when I am at work, I swear that place sucks me dry. I really miss being able to read. I used to be able to knock out books in one sitting. Now I i stare at the same page for hours. I will get there again. I know I will.
I saw the latest X-Men movie the other night. You should go see it. I am not saying that because I am a closet X-Men fangirl either. It was the best movie out of the entire movie franchise thus far. That makes me happy too, I felt as though the movies were not heading in a good place. This movies sure did change that, though. The cast was excellent too, but you already knew that. Everyone did a really great job… not too mention they were very nice to look at, well, for the most part.
I kind of want to go to my parents house and dig out my old comics. That might be frowned upon at three am though. I want to look at them again because I have a feeling that the characters that I liked the best when I was a kid might have changed. I mean, I’ve changed, so why not?
Anyway. I am really excited for all of the movies that I will being seeing this summer.
There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when you just get finished watching a really good movie.
Okay so maybe I am the only freak that gets some sort of rush after going to the movies.
I am okay with that.
It is almost five am and I am wide awake. I figure I might as well get some writing done.
Years ago if you would have told me that I would have spent a Friday night cleaning my apartment, with one of my best friends, until three am, and had fun… I would not have believed you.
You can have some meaningful conversations while scrubbing a toilet and on your hands and knees getting the floor tiles clean.
I feel like both of us had a lot of catching up to do, and catching up we did. I’ve had so much on my brain over the last few months (or years). I could talk to some people for days about the little dramas of my life and for some reason, some things were still festering inside of me. Life is always happening, and I always find a way to deal with it, but it feels amazing to be able to talk to another female who truly gets you.
It is always awesome knowing you can be that person for someone else too.
The two of us grew up in the same place, at the same time, with the same people, but never really became close until our early twenties, and I feel like that is the backbone of our long term friendship.
We were raised in a similar fashion, saw the same things growing up, and other things of that nature.
We always had an understanding where the other was coming from, because it was the same place.
I think the reason tonight really meant so much to me is because she was still there for me, after going MIA for about two years or so. I was hesitant to reunite with her, for no other reason than the simple fact that I feel like a complete asshole for neglecting my friends for as long as I have. And yeah, I take pride in being an asshole most of the time, but this time it isn’t the case.I am truly sorry, though it was a hard lesson, I am glad that it was learned.
I blew off all sorts of get together’s, birthday celebrations, game nights, and yet, there they are still by my side.
I will get where I need to be with my friendships, soon enough. Baby steps.
I do love my alone time, but it does get awfully, uhm, lonely.
I feel like I should explain what actually went through my mind during that time of my life, and if you’d like to hear it, I will gladly tell you, just not here. (or maybe that will be another post on its own) So, to all of my friends… I am very sorry for not being around. I know I never actually “left”. I was always there for anyone who needed an ear, and I always will be. I am obviously a great friend, to some great people, or else you all would be long gone by now, I’m sure of it. I have not been preforming to my full potential, and as I said, for that I am sorry.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I’m back, bitches.
I am done being butthurt about all of this… Worrying if everything would still be the same, even though I’ve been missing for so long.
I would also like to say thank you for those of you who never gave up on me and stayed by my side… after all of these years. I love you all. Even though I probably tell you that I hate you most of the time. That just means you’re doing it right.
Back to my girl that inspired this little post.
Thank you for understanding, everything, always… But most importantly, thank you for understanding that in order to get your house really clean, you need to mix different cleaning products, to create the ultimate cleaning product.
A few days ago something, somewhat life changing, was brought to my attention.
Only four months into the year 2014 and there has already been so much change. I have yet to get a chance to get comfortable and into a new routine, Every single time I get close to a comfortable place everything seems to get shaken up, yet again. All of this is either going to make me a stronger person in the end, or it is just a terrible glimpse of how crappy life can really be. I am thinking that it might be an even mix of both… I guess we shall see.
With all of this being said, this new change stings. A woman who is like a sister to me is leaving my life. She’s not dying, so that is a plus, but I will no longer be able to see her and talk to her daily. I won’t lie, the idea of that hurts and I am getting teary eyed just thinking about the soon to be end of this chapter.
I will be okay, it seems as though most of the people that I care about reside in other states, so I guess it is only natural for another one to be added to that list.
I met this amazing woman about seven years ago, give or take. I was a completely different person back then, and believe me when I tell you that she did indeed help shape me into the woman that I am today. She kept it real with me when others would sugarcoat whatever they were trying to say. The truth may hurt, but it also helps more than liars know. She showed me what it is like to be a strong woman. Raising a family, running a store, and tackling anything life throws at you. Life threw things at her that would have me crying in a corner admitting defeat. Not her, she kept her chin up and powered through anything and everything. Though I have a long way to go before I ever get on her level, but with her as a role model, I learned to keep my chin up and power through it all (well most of it.)
Past Maegan would be mad at her for leaving. I would find some sort of way to contort this whole move into something negative, leaving a bitter hole in my heart.
Not so distant past Maegan, would have asked her for advice, about what I should do next.
Present day Maegan knows exactly what do to. She also is happy for the new doors that are opening in her friends life.
I tried my best to follow in her footsteps by being honest, strong, and working through things, No matter how much I wanted to give up. I always wanted her to be proud of me. I hope she is. because I know that I am so proud of her.
“It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.”
She will be leaving behind an ever lasting legacy. Having an everlasting impact on my life and the lives of everyone that she has touched.
As sad as I am to see her go, I am truly lucky to have had her in my life for all of the years that I did. And that, makes me really happy.
*I will be personalizing this a bit more later. Just a rough draft of feels.**
So, I have one more day in the weekend beta for Wildstar, I honestly think this game is going to be so huge, and so amazing. Really, if there is something that you don’t like about it, talk to me, I would like to hear it. The graphics alone are amazing. I understand how something that looks so cartoonish could be a turn off for some, but I personally like it. The game play is a lot of fun. The quests are solid, easy at first, you know, so you can get a feel for the game. I can’t wait to get further in the game. The raids look so promising, challenging, and rewarding upon completion. I am also really looking forward to the social aspect of this game. Not only playing with my friends, but maybe making new friends to play with as well. If you can’t tell, I am super excited about this game
I have also been playing Conception 2. I won’t lie it is a fun play. The idea of it is really awesome. Star babies. I am all about that. Even though I like it, I was a bit let down by it. I guess I was just expecting more, I will continue to play it, to see if I change my mind at all. It isn’t a bad game, I’m just not feeling it at the moment. Anything is better than Bravely Default though. What a fail of a game that was. Sorry if you like it. The game play itself was fantastic. The jobs and such were a lot of fun. The game really could have gone places, if the story wasn’t such crap, and if the characters where actually, I don’t know, not terribly annoying.
On that note I will continue to replay Tales Of Symphonia and Diablo 3 until something better comes my way. I have to keep myself busy. Might as well do something that I enjoy,
I spent the last three hours on Skype playing a came called Call of Cthulhu, with my lady friend and her husband. I had a blast. The story we played was about this sleep study office that had these monster type things coming to life out of dreams, causing night terrors, violent sleepwalking, and all of this other stuff as well. We had to solve the mystery of this place and find out what the fuck was going on. There was a lot of creepy shit, death, and blood. I loved it. I got a good chunk of my arm bitten off and took a tumble down some steps, but I made it out alive, we all did. I can’t wait to play again.
I really want to try to play more table top games. I know that the dudes I hang around with are putting together a D&D game, so this excites me. We are working on the characters and rules as of right now. I also asked my other group of friends if they would be down to hang out and play some sort of table top with me every once in a while. Theses are my less nerdy friends, so I am unsure of what the response might be, but they do enjoy spending time with me, so my hopes are high, but not too high.
Also, if you read this, thanks.
I am also not going to proofread this until later so, my apologies.
Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend PAX with a good friend of mine.
I honestly thought about selling the passes that I got. I would have made A LOT of money off of them. I didn’t though, obviously, and that was an excellent choice on my end. I had more fun than I can even describe. It was also more fun than I have had in months. It was truly an amazing experience. A great time with great people.
I don’t think that I have ever been surrounded by so many people in my entire life. Well, maybe a few times at really large concerts, but nothing like this. I think one of my favorite parts had to be the fact that whenever someone would bump into you, they would say sorry.
I saw some fun panels, bought a lot of stuff. My shirt collection is on point. Too bad I work so much and never get a chance to wear them that often.
Anyway, I am super excited for Wildstar. I was before I got there, but fangirling all over the Wildstar booth really made be fall for the game. I played the beta for a bit this weekend, it was a good time indeed.
Not only was my PAX date so much fun to explore the convention with, I also talked to a bunch of other people, and met some new friends.
One sad thing that I discovered during this trip is that you tend to get further acting like a dumb girl than you do by being a knowledgeable girl gamer. That just might be with the people at Riot though, who knows, it was sad nonetheless, especially in this day and age.
Anyway, I hope to get lucky enough to go again next year.
Sometimes, I slip. I crack. I go through a lot, yeah I know, many others deal with more than I do, but for me, it’s a lot. From time to time I can’t hold it in anymore and something will happen to make my have an emotional breakdown. When this happens I always try to write it out only to come to the same to conclusions every time.
One. Some people have real problems.
I have so many great things in my life. The most loving and caring family any girl could ever ask for.
I have an army of sarcastic nitwits that have never left my side in the last fifteen years. (okay, it is really thirteen, but fifteen just sounds better.)
I have so many friends who try to get me out of hermit mode. I should start listening. It will be good for my soul.
I’ve got this awesome man who I’d do anything and everything for, and he’d do the same for me.
I have a job that allows me to live, comfortably, on my own, in New Jersey.
I have an awesome cat.
Yep. I’ve got it pretty good.
Two. PMS is a whore that makes me over emotional and question my self worth once a month causing these psychotic rants.
Now that I am feeling like my normal self, thank goodness, I can start working on the post that I have been meaning to write.
So, as it turns out, I have pissed some people off with my story telling. This isn’t the first time this has happened, and I am sure that it won’t be the last. To be honest, I was just telling a story. It was a mistake on my part, I forgot the person followed me on most of my social media. I tend to be self absorbed, that’s okay, it is a part of who I am. No one is perfect.
Just to clear some things up. What was written, was written over a year ago. I posted it to remind myself that I am not that person anymore. Thank Goodness.
Anyone who actually knows me personally knows that in the course of the last few years I turned into this person who I didn’t even know anymore. It was no ones fault but my own for letting it happen, but it did and I can’t change it, nor do I think that I would.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, or whatever.
To be honest. I am glad too. I wish someone would have given me a heads up as to what I was getting myself into. haha.