….is no joke. I’ve Dealt with it for my entire adult life and nothing I’ve tried has helped. For a short time, yeah, but my body adjusts. Sleeping pills, over the counter and perception, melatonin, cutting out caffeine…. you name it I tried it.

So, what I’m asking is…. does anyone else have any good experiences with anything that I might have missed?

I haven’t had more than two two four hours of sleep all week… and I really don’t want nyquil or anything. I hate those.
If you have any recommendations, thank you.


I am just going to vent about one of the struggles I am having with myself.

I am also fully aware that some people have real problems.

So do I…

I just mask them with unimportant ones to occupy my thoughts.


I have come to discover that my two favorite hobbies are very time consuming.

I can’t read all of the books that I want to read and play all the games that I want to play. I don’t have time to do both. This causes me to have a huge backlog of games and books that I may never catch up on.

The novels and comics pile up as I devote most of my time to whatever RPG world I immerse myself in. Then I take a break and binge read all of the varieties of literature that have been piling up on my night stand. Only to go back to the sealed games that have been collecting dust.

Then the cycle just repeats.

All I want is to be able to play all of the games and read all of the books.

Is there even a way to do both?


New Year.

Is this where I’m supposed to write my reflections? 2015 and shit. I think tomorrow I’ll drink a bottle of wine and go to town on this little blog of mine. Why not? For the time being, I just want my bed and to turn my brain off for a bit.

right in the feels.

this won’t be completely coherent or grammatically correct.

I have not slept in over 24 hours and i am pretty sure that i am losing sight of everything.

it happens.

i just lost myself in some crappy ya book and now i can’t stop crying.

it happens.

actually, i guess being that i finished this book in a single sitting means it wasn’t that crappy.

from all the tears and lack of sleep my eyes feel like i have been rubbing my eyeballs with hot peppers.

hot peppers rolled in sandpaper.


I need to start reading more books aimed at my age group.

I used to.

I still do sometimes.

On another note.

I have been living on my own for exactly a year now.

something i will reflect on another day.

maybe that is what I will use the rest of this post for.

no, not reflecting.

lucky for anyone reading this garbage.

I will write down some points that I would like to get back to on a later date.

Right now isn’t a good time.

  • One Year Out
  • ABC
  • Jobs (old and new)
  • Pretending to like the holiday season so I don’t get hassled by everyone that I know.
  • smoking and coffee the vice that will never die
  • the concept of time in general
  • the fact that there a few more topics that i can’t write about here being that they would hurt some people that I am close to and would never hurt them. I guess it is just out of respect for family and such.

Sorry for wasting your time.

I’ll make up for it

I always do.


No matter how much I try to prepare myself for this… it turns out I’m never strong enough. Seasonal depression always gets the best of me. That numb feeling is taking over and I’m too apathetic to do anything about it.
Five months.
At least I’ll write more.
Starting… tomorrow.

Different. Or Something Like That.

The fact that I have not written anything in months and this little blog of mine is still getting views blows my mind.

I guess that means I should pull some words out of my butt.

I think that the reason for my writing hiatus is the same as always.

I am content.

Happy, actually.

It is always easier to write when I am upset or angry for some reason. I always went with that theme anyway. It is weird to try and write about my happiness.

How can I make that satirical and fun to read?

I could write about how disgustingly in love I am.
How I am having a fantastic summer with my friends and family.
Work related horrors, which I have grown so accustom to, that the weird occurrences don’t even phase me any longer.

But who wants to read that? I know that I wouldn’t.

Okay, so maybe the work related posts will still pop up from time to time.

So, I guess that I will just have to write about topics other than, myself and my life. Gasp! What is a self absorbed person such as myself to do?

It looks as though it is time for me to write about my opinion of different things.

This will be a change.

At least it will keep my busy.

Now the hard part.
Where do I begin?

blah. blah. blah.

I can’t really describe my mood at the moment. I wish I had as much energy as I do when I am at work, I swear that place sucks me dry. I really miss being able to read. I used to be able to knock out books in one sitting. Now I i stare at the same page for hours. I will get there again. I know I will. 

I saw the latest X-Men movie the other night. You should go see it. I am not saying that because I am a closet X-Men fangirl either. It was the best movie out of the entire movie franchise thus far. That makes me happy too, I felt as though the movies were not heading in a good place. This movies sure did change that, though. The cast was excellent too, but you already knew that. Everyone did a really great job… not too mention they were very nice to look at, well, for the most part. 

I kind of want to go to my parents house and dig out my old comics. That might be frowned upon at three am though. I want to look at them again because I have a feeling that the characters that I liked the best when I was a kid might have changed. I mean, I’ve changed, so why not? 

Anyway. I am really excited for all of the movies that I will being seeing this summer. 

There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when you just get finished watching a really good movie. 

Okay so maybe I am the only freak that gets some sort of rush after going to the movies.

I am okay with that. 


Sorry. Yes. Sorry.

It is almost five am and I am wide awake. I figure I might as well get some writing done. 

Years ago if you would have told me that I would have spent a Friday night cleaning my apartment, with one of my best friends, until three am, and had fun… I would not have believed you. 

You can have some meaningful conversations while scrubbing a toilet and on your hands and knees getting the floor tiles clean. 

I feel like both of us had a lot of catching up to do, and catching up we did. I’ve had so much on my brain over the last few months (or years). I could talk to some people for days about the little dramas of my life and for some reason, some things were still festering inside of me. Life is always happening, and I always find a way to deal with it, but it feels amazing to be able to talk to another female who truly gets you. 

It is always awesome knowing you can be that person for someone else too. 

The two of us grew up in the same place, at the same time, with the same people, but never really became close until our early twenties, and I feel like that is the backbone of our long term friendship. 

We were raised in a similar fashion, saw the same things growing up, and other things of that nature. 

We always had an understanding where the other was coming from, because it was the same place.

I think the reason tonight really meant so much to me is because she was still there for me, after going MIA for about two years or so. I was hesitant to reunite with her, for no other reason than the simple fact that I feel like a complete asshole for neglecting my friends for as long as I have. And yeah, I take pride in being an asshole most of the time, but this time it isn’t the case.I am truly sorry, though it was a hard lesson, I am glad that it was learned. 

I blew off all sorts of get together’s, birthday celebrations, game nights, and yet, there they are still by my side. 

I will get where I need to be with my friendships, soon enough. Baby steps. 

I do love my alone time, but it does get awfully, uhm, lonely. 

I feel like I should explain what actually went through my mind during that time of my life, and if you’d like to hear it, I will gladly tell you, just not here. (or maybe that will be another post on its own) So, to all of my friends… I am very sorry for not being around. I know I never actually “left”.  I was always there for anyone who needed an ear, and I always will be. I am obviously a great friend, to some great people, or else you all would be long gone by now, I’m sure of it. I have not been preforming to my full potential, and as I said, for that I am sorry.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I’m back, bitches.

I am done being butthurt about all of this… Worrying if everything would still be the same, even though I’ve been missing for so long. 


I would also like to say thank you for those of you who never gave up on me and stayed by my side… after all of these years. I love you all. Even though I probably tell you that I hate you most of the time. That just means you’re doing it right. 

Back to my girl that inspired this little post.

Thank you for understanding, everything, always… But most importantly, thank you for understanding that in order to get your house really clean, you need to mix different cleaning products, to create the ultimate cleaning product. 

The Curse.

A few days ago something, somewhat life changing, was brought to my attention. 

Only four months into the year 2014 and there has already been so much change. I have yet to get a chance to get comfortable and into a new routine, Every single time I get close to a comfortable place everything seems to get shaken up, yet again. All of this is either going to make me a stronger person in the end, or it is just a terrible glimpse of how crappy life can really be. I am thinking that it might be an even mix of both… I guess we shall see. 

With all of this being said, this new change stings. A woman who is like a sister to me is leaving my life. She’s not dying, so that is a plus, but I will no longer be able to see her and talk to her daily. I won’t lie, the idea of that hurts and I am getting teary eyed just thinking about the soon to be end of this chapter. 

I will be okay, it seems as though most of the people that I care about reside in other states, so I guess it is only natural for another one to be added to that list. 

I met this amazing woman about seven years ago, give or take. I was a completely different person back then, and believe me when I tell you that she did indeed help shape me into the woman that I am today. She kept it real with me when others would sugarcoat whatever they were trying to say. The truth may hurt, but it also helps more than liars know. She showed me what it is like to be a strong woman. Raising a family, running a store, and tackling anything life throws at you. Life threw things at her that would have me crying in a corner admitting defeat. Not her, she kept her chin up and powered through anything and everything. Though I have a long way to go before I ever get on her level, but with her as a role model, I learned to keep my chin up and power through it all (well most of it.) 

Past Maegan would be mad at her for leaving. I would find some sort of way to contort this whole move into something negative, leaving a bitter hole in my heart. 

Not so distant past Maegan, would have asked her for advice, about what I should do next.

Present day Maegan knows exactly what do to. She also is happy for the new doors that are opening in her friends life.

I tried my best to follow in her footsteps by being honest, strong, and working through things, No matter how much I wanted to give up. I always wanted her to be proud of me. I hope she is. because I know that I am so proud of her. 


“It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.”

She will be leaving behind an ever lasting legacy. Having an everlasting impact on my life and the lives of everyone that she has touched. 

As sad as I am to see her go, I am truly lucky to have had her in my life for all of the years that I did. And that, makes me really happy. 



*I will be personalizing this a bit more later. Just a rough draft of feels.**